We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
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I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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