My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
