I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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