I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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