I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
