I wish my penis had an off switch
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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