Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
