We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey