i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
