At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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