you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
