At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
