dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
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If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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