My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
This baby is an asshole
What drink are we having for lunch?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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