i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
