we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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