I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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