I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
