I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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