I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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