My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
