this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
