After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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