well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
