I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
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I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
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Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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