last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
