Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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