Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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