apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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