I looked at my own cervix.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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