it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
