I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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