there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
