don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
