I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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