She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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