I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
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Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
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I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.