do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.