i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
