this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
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you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
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i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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