Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
