so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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