ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
