please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
