The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
