The best revenge is premature balding
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
