apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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