white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
