I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
