Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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