so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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