At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
