hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
