I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
