Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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