i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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