she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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