I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
